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It was a scene of utmost suspense, the cliché that often made its way into romantic comedies and commercials. Inside Dick's We-Carry-Every-Item-Imaginable-for-the-Filthy-Rich, two different people reached for the last can of Sins-B-Gone in cinematic slow motion. One hand was French-manicured and wore an ostentatious diamond ring (inscribed "Love forever, to my Richard"); the other had "Vermilion Vixen" nails and was likely to never wear such a wedding ring. Fingers from both hands closed in on the blue spray can like eager vultures, plucking it off the shelf in synch. Both ladies blinked in confusion before they realized the other was there.

"Sweetie, I believe I grabbed it first," said the Richard-loving woman.

"No dear," the Vixen replied, "I'm sure I did. I certainly need it more that you do."

The two women stared each other down without batting their fake eyelashes. It wasn't difficult for either—Botox injections did wonders to their blank facades. The first woman who had spoken, a Manhattan hockey mom named Dominique, sized up her adversary with suspicion. It was the first time in forty-seven days that she had found someone who was as well-dressed as her. This woman was surely part of the Manhattan elite, though Dominique had basically met all the influential people in this city—

With a plummeting heart, she realized that the chic beauty before her was Scarlett Lynn, an heiress of old money as well as the city's most notorious socialite. "Why, Scarlett Lynn!" the hockey mom simpered, voice going unbearably sweet. A nearby diabetic balked. "My name is Dominique. What a pleasure to meet you!" She dropped her grip to clasp both hands together in a show of delight.

"It's always a pleasure to meet me," Scarlett replied with ease. She tossed the can of Sins-B-Gone up and down as she pursed her lips in thought. "Tell me," she murmured, glancing around, "have you used this product before?"

"Oh, of course!" Dominique gushed. She tried to look excited, but only managed to animate the bottom half of her face. "I always keep an emergency stash in my closet. You see, my husband is a congressman—Democratic, naturally—and my two children are getting to that troublesome age.... We simply eat this stuff up!" She puffed out her chest, literally preening herself by combing through the feather collar choking her neck.

Dominique leaned in closer to the heiress, as if confiding a secret. Scarlett instinctively mirrored the movement, having fine-tuned her reflex through many vicious gossip sessions. "I recommend 'Politician Strength'," the hockey mom whispered. "I tried it when my husband got involved in that scandal last year and have used it exclusively ever since. It's multi-purpose, since politicians get involved with everything. It's just as effective as 'Wayward Priest', but with only a quarter of the bad press and lawsuits involved."

Scarlett looked suitably impressed. "How marvelous," she began. "I saw the ads for.... What was it called? 'A-List Ditz'? It's quite popular with my friends. Do you recommend that as well?"

Dominique shook her head in horror. "Oh, honey, that's superficial. It's like slathering on last year's mineral foundation to drown out the screaming pores underneath. Your blackheads are still there."

Scarlett curled her lips. "What a hideous idea. Crass in polite society, don't you think?" The hockey mom tried to stammer a reply. She saw her social life flash before her eyes. One word from the heiress, and it would be over. She would have to salvage the conversation.

"With the paparazzi hounding you about that stripper from Cancun," Dominique tried, "I would recommend going at least 'Vegas Mistake'!" Scarlett nodded slowly, her expression shifting to one of consideration.

"'Spray your sins away'," the heiress murmured, tracing the slogan with a delicate finger. "What a fantastic idea. This will keep my manager at bay for a while." Dominique repressed a sigh of relief and then became enthusiastic as she remembered something.

"Be careful," she warned, pointing at the miniscule print below the expiration date. "It says here that the price depends on what religion you follow. You'll have to go to a salesclerk for consultation." She smirked. "I'm agnostic... so I've never had this particular problem."

Scarlett shrugged, gripping the can with sudden purpose. "It won't be a problem for me," she announced, "I converted to Atheism last week." She chuckled to herself. "I should be able to stick with Atheism longer than I stuck with being vegan."

Dominique tittered. She wasn't sure how to reply.

Suddenly, shouts of alarm pierced the air. A loud crash echoed through the store isle. The shelf next to them broke into jagged splinters, revealing an immaculately dressed (albeit furious) old woman. She pointed a trembling finger at Scarlett.

"Y-y-you did this!" the woman screeched. "My family's name is now tainted with sin!"

A swarm of cameras and men in black suits appeared, bringing blinding white flashes and outraged cries.

"Scarlett! Look this way!"

"Over here—"

"—Is it true that you faked the engagement!?!"

"Imagine such a scandal—"

"—Multi-million dollar lawsuit—"

"—I left my wife and mistress for you!"

Dominique moved in front of the heiress. She whipped out a travel sized can of Sins-B-Gone from her pocket, flicking off the cap with a practiced thumb. "Stand back," she muttered. "It's similar to pepper spray. You don't want this in your eyes." Scarlett backed away hastily. The men in black suits froze, dawning horror etched into their faces.

"No!" one shouted, recognizing the blue bottle. He made a desperate lunge for the spray, but his effort was in vain. Dominique had already pointed the nozzle toward the crowd. She smirked and pressed her index finger down.

Mayhem in the store isle immediately froze. White mist shot from the can, enveloping the people in an impenetrable cloud. It undulated in the air for a minute, swirling around like a lazy snake. The mist quickly evaporated to reveal a group of slack-jawed people. Their hysteria had just... evaporated. The confused men and women trickled out, not even bothering to glance at Scarlett. The heiress in turn gaped after the subdued crowd.

"I always keep this in my purse," Dominique said with a wink.

Scarlett turned to gaze at the blue can with new reverence. "That's incredible," she breathed, gracefully tucking the can of Sins-B-Gone into her shopping bag. "I will have to buy some for my escorts too." The two women then spent a moment dusting imaginary lint off their designer purses before looking at one another again.

"Thanks for the help," Scarlett said with genuine warmth.

Dominique beamed. "Not a problem. It was nice to meet you!" The heiress nodded in acknowledgement before turning away.
Edit: Changed the flow & added a different ending. I wanted to keep the style over-the-top.

Is this satire? Why... yes it is. :salute:
Absolutely ludicrous, and I enjoyed writing every word of it.

For :icondailylitdeviations:'s contest [link] (Word count: 1104)
I incorporated an idea I had in my mind for some time.

:iconthewrittenrevolution: critique--> [link]
-Is the style consistant throughout, and does it flow well?
-What was your overall impression? Strengths/weaknesses?
Add a Comment:
 
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2012  Professional Writer
:wave: Hi! You have been featured by The Favorites Project at #LITplease!
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:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2012  Student General Artist
Thank you so much! :love:
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Professional Writer
Sure. :)
Reply
:iconwooltree:
Wooltree Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2012
I really enjoyed the OTT style of this :) congrats on the honourable mention!
Reply
:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2012  Student General Artist
:glomp: Thanks so much! I thought it was appropriate :P
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
"Why, Scarlett Lynn!" the hockey mom simpered, voice going unbearably sweet. A nearby diabetic balked.

:rofl: I loved all the wit in this. Excellent work! :+fav:
Reply
:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2012  Student General Artist
:tighthug: Thanks so much!
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
a very fun read! Kept me engaged all the way through.
It may be ludicrous, but it sure does work!

congrats on the contest :)
Reply
:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2012  Student General Artist
I'm glad you think so! :tighthug: Thanks!
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
you're welcome :)
Reply
:icondamonwakes:
DamonWakes Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2012  Student Writer
Congratulations on the honourable mention! It's great to see that this story got some recognition in the contest. :D It is exceedingly good.
Reply
:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2012  Student General Artist
Thanks a lot, I appreciate it :glomp:
Reply
:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2012
:dance: Congratulations!! You're an Honorable Mention in the DLD Summer Contest of 2012! See the article here: [link] for details, and be sure to congratulate the other winners! :dance:

Keep writing and keep creating.
Reply
:iconriver-severn:
River-Severn Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2012   Digital Artist
"I'm agnostic." LMAO - that made my spew out my drink (lemonade, if you wanted to know XDD).
Love it!
Reply
:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2012  Student General Artist
:la: (That's my favorite line!)
:tighthug:
Reply
:iconriver-severn:
River-Severn Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2012   Digital Artist
:iconnowayplz: Mine too!
Reply
:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2012  Student General Artist
:iconohrlyplz:
Reply
:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:lol: a bunch!

Okay, so first of all I'm gonna say Republican rather than Democrat...for various reasons. I'm biased.

It's a little purple. I mean, I did get the idea that it was pretty satirical, but there are points where the description hits heavy. Like the paragraph where the salesman turns puce--just a bit dense. I wouldn't mind a little bit of dialogue without accompanying description, just to foil all the highly entertaining scenes elsewhere.

I feel like it should end with some real shit going down. I have no idea what though :faint:
Reply
:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2012  Student General Artist
I've updated the story. :w00t:
I've made the dialogue flow more, but I wanted to still keep an over-the-top feel. I've also sort of made shit go down by changing the ending.

Thanks for the comment! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:lmao: this is much better now! re-faved.

quick typo: "immaculately dress"
Reply
:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2012  Student General Artist
:love: Thank you so much! And for catching that typo. :X

:eyepopping: Oh no, your ass fell!

I'm such an idiot....
I finally get the emoticon. :shakefish:
To me, the animation always looked like it was patting a hand on the floor. -->:lmao:
Reply
:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:giggle: no, it's an ass!

No problem.
Reply
:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2012  Student General Artist
lol that's not something you hear every day :D
Reply
:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
True, you'd expect it to be more often ;p
Reply
:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Student General Artist
If only they were that easy to spot :X
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(1 Reply)
:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2012  Student General Artist
lol I wanted to say Republican too, but I researched and it said that they haven't had much power in Manhattan in over 50 years.

*thinks about shit that should go down*
I have ideas :slow:

Thank you for commenting! :tighthug: I really appreciate it.
Reply
:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Aah. I'm sure there are wealthy democrats...well, I could believe it more easily in Chicago or New York, so maybe ramp up the setting a little?

Woo! No problem.
Reply
:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2012  Student General Artist
:highfive: You are a genius!
Reply
:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:la:
Reply
:iconandelice:
Andelice Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012
This was really fun to read :D
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:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2012  Student General Artist
Thank you :tighthug:
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:iconmonstroooo:
monstroooo Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Great concept, nice work :)
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:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2012  Student General Artist
:glomp: thanks!
Reply
:icondamonwakes:
DamonWakes Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2012  Student Writer
I love this, and I especially love that you managed to work in the phrase "literally preening herself" without (I believe) misusing the word "literally." I think the title is fine, though you might be able to do better if something springs to mind.
Reply
:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2012  Student General Artist
Thank you! Do you think the ending is too abrupt?
Oh, and I highly recommend this --> [link] :rofl:
Reply
:icondamonwakes:
DamonWakes Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2012  Student Writer
I think the ending really did everything it needed to. :shrug: It seemed like a natural end to the conversation, and that seems like a reasonable place to end the story.

:laughing: That whole article was hilarious, but I didn't expect "literally" to be number one. I still think it's worth hanging on to the...erm...literal meaning, though, since there aren't really any other suitable words. If you want to exaggerate, you've got "loads," "really," "a lot," "absolutely," "so much," even "truly," but if you want to make it clear that the crazy thing you're talking about actually did happen in reality, "literally" is pretty much your only option. :shrug: That's exactly why the "preening" thing here works so well.
Reply
:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2012  Student General Artist
:dance: Thanks for the feedback!

:rofl: yes, I'm addicted to Cracked. Though I haven't read it since starting my vacation. I highly recommend the site--it's sad, but I've actually learned a lot reading their articles! What you say makes sense!
Reply
:icondamonwakes:
DamonWakes Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2012  Student Writer
:giggle: I actually try to avoid going to cracked.com. It's great, but perhaps a little too great: you go in for one article and end up reading twelve.
Reply
:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2012  Student General Artist
phew, I'm not the only one who does that then... Which is why you should stay up to date on the articles! That way, you don't surprise yourself by staying on long after you were just supposed to glance at one.
Reply
:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Heheh brilliant, your descriptions of them made me laugh, especially the botox frozen expression (or lack of)...but "Wayward Priest" made me laugh even more. I love the idea of the product, how did you come up with it?
Reply
:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2012  Student General Artist
lol thanks :D Glad you laughed!
I just love satire... was thinking up random commercials in my head, and this poppued out. I think I'm going to make an ad for it :la:... along with some other products!
Reply
:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I think if it existed as an actual product it would become one of the most popular and whoever invented it would be the richest person alive...and possibly it's number one buyer :D
Reply
:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2012  Student General Artist
haha wouldn't that be something!?! :woohoo:
Reply
:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
It'd make a great movie!
Reply
:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2012  Student General Artist
:slow: lol you're giving me ideas!
Reply
:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Hooray!
Reply
:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2012  Student General Artist
:nuu:
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