Human After All

Dear inner consciousness,


_{I'm not sure this will work, but it's worth a try.}

I know it's hard on you.  Doing what's morally right, not doing what you want, whenever you want.  I'd rather procrastinate and laze my life away instead of trying these horrifically productive activities that you force me into. I'd rather throw all my responsibilities into the trash, instead of being bound by endless promises.

Then I know that you get tired sometimes, restraining my wild emotions and my tendency to run into walls.  (Which I'm told comes to everyone at some point in their lives)  We've all heard the cliché, "I'm trying to discover myself," but broken tape or not, there's a reason why it's cliché.  I get a little depressed here and there, jealous of "that girl next door," and feeling very insignificant to the universe.  Then again, there are moments where my head inflates bigger than a hot air balloon, so it balances I guess.

I'm trying out new experiences every day. They might not be smart at times, but mistakes are made for that reason. My decisions should only affect me, and no one else. Of course, that isn't an excuse to involve the entire world in reckless, drunk behavior. But I don't plan to do that.  Besides, if I do my parents would disown me.  No, inner consciousness, I've decided to stay out of harm's way. Admittedly, that's the most I feel I can help you with.

Speaking of which, I'll try to make your job easier in the future.  There's no guarantee, mind you-I trip on flat surfaces, for heaven's sake!-but thanks for not saying, "I told you so."  I get the gist whenever you smirk at me from the mirror.

I've done things I'm ashamed of, and I've done things I'm proud of.  The only thing I can do now is stand up and keep walking forward.  

Scientifically, it's impossible to get 100% of the work back from all the effort you put into a machine.  Some of your energy is lost to friction, and it won't ever come back.  So you can look at life the same way, and say you're living as you're dying.  What can you respond to this proven scientific fact?  Screw it.  Humans aren't made from cogs and gears, and no one should expect us to act that way. If in the end, the results mean more to you than anything else... isn't that enough?

Yes, I'm still immature.  I laugh at "That's what she said" jokes, and I eat peanut butter out of the jar.  I judge when it's not my place to judge. I get wrapped up in my own little world. I forget myself for a bit.  That being said, it's your job to remind me that I'm growing up.  It's scary growing up, and frankly I really don't want to.

But I'm growing up anyway. The troublemaker inside me will always be there, but I'll be "responsible" for now.  I'll tuck my faiths neatly into a corner.  Maybe someday I can show the world... But not today.

Remember when we learned not to use the words "never", and "always", because nothing can be that guaranteed?  Well, maybe if you believe hard enough, they can come true.

I'm a little naïve, a little lost, a little confused.  But I know that I'll always find a road map and a friend. I know that I'll never give in.  This is a promise I made, and we know that the promises that mean the most to us, are the promises we make to ourselves.   The next time I look in the mirror, I'll have earned the right to look that girl in the eyes.  

Keep in mind however, that I'm no innocent saint-in fact, far from it!  I'm hypocritical and somewhat (Okay... I'll admit... very) lazy.  If you ask me, when it comes right down to it, we only care for number one.  I believe Hobbes was very right about human nature.  But then again, no one asked me. So I'll just go on with my life, discovering myself along the way.  It's a full time job anyhow--no time posturing or pondering about human nature.

Dearest inner consciousness,
Sorry for making this letter so long.  

It's a lot to remember.  I don't want to end this on a sad note, because I know life isn't sad.  It's somehow tragic, uplifting, and beautiful all at once.  
It's silly, morbid, spontaneous, and immeasurable.  

So for now, inner consciousness, I'll live to the fullest.  

I'm going to dance in the rain, sing off key in the shower, and eat tons of chocolate.  
I'm going to grab every opportunity I get, because I don't have enough space in my closet for another jar of regrets.

So please cry with me, laugh with me, and chase half empty dreams with me.

We can find the other half tomorrow.

When you become frustrated, just stop to listen.  You may surprised what you hear in the silence. Lastly, please remember that I'm only human after all

Sincerely,
~Ying Liang
(AKA your outer consciousness)